Gin (anyplacebuthere) wrote,

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Back in Philly, but back to Barcelona

Yes, it's true, I've been home for 3 weeks and I'm already going back to Barcelona. Not a hard decision. Well actually, kind of a hard decision. I didn't know if I should go back to Barcelona because Alexis doesn't want a relationship, or if I should have just gone somewhere else, somewhere new. Well if Barcelona turns out to be a bad decision, I'll hightail it to another country. But not back here. Maybe Holland. Well here's what happened. As soon as I got on the plane in Barcelona to return home, I realized that I was making a huge mistake, that I loved Alexis and wanted to be with him, not with Marlowe. I almost turned around in Paris and came back to Barcelona, leaving my luggage and everything on the plane to Philadelphia, but somehow I managed to get on. When I landed in Philadelphia, after the longest 10 hours of my life, I wanted to cry and cry and cry. When I saw Marlowe for the first time, I wanted to cry. I realized that I didn't love him anymore, not the way I used to. It was devastating being back. I felt terrible, because he was so excited to see me but the only thing I could think of was what a mistake I had made coming back. I tried to give us a chance, but I had no desire to be with him physically, I couldn't bring myself to kiss him even, and I just realized that I had to be back in Barcelona, if not to be with Alexis and least to bring a proper end to things with him and move on to a new life. And now I'm more scared than I've ever been about anything in my entire life. Scared that I won't find a job, scared that things won't go well when I see Alexis again, scared that I'll fail. I haven't really been sleeping, barely been eating. This is the biggest and most frightening decision I've ever made.
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