Gin (anyplacebuthere) wrote,
Gin
anyplacebuthere

I don´t know why I bother writing, but god though I´m bored.

I want to go out and do something, after all, this is Barcelona, a gorgeous city with gorgeous people. But believe it or not, my motivation to go out is not existent right now. Alexis has been really busy with work lately, limiting our time together greatly, especially since he has been working the night shift and going to school during the day, leaving his time here at home for sleeping. I´ve been thinking alot about Marlowe, and I´ve come to the conclusion that, despite what has happened, I want to be with him, I just miss him, even though I´m with Alexis and have grown very fond of him. I´m coming home on the 18th--and don´t even consider giving me a bad time about it, because I´ve been practically sick over every fucking decision I´ve had to make lately. I don´t sleep, at least not the kind of sleep that a human being needs to keep up their strength and energy. My sleep is riddled with disturbing dreams that lap up my energy by the minute and make me wake just as tired as when I first closed my eyes. I´m not sure why my dreams take up so much energy, but I think it´s because my body is fighting them off. That´s the only possibility I can come up with. Unfortunately I´m cursed with the ability to have extremely vivid dreams that I usually remember upon waking. I used to enjoy this, but not anymore--my dreams, like I said, have been draining my energy. It´s not fair. I went downtown today, but I had something on my mind, so I didn´t enjoy myself. I didn´t want to be alone today. But yet, I felt not quite alone, for a frightening reason. I didn´t want to be alone in the way that I was, but I didn´t want to be with someone in the way I felt that I was. It´s something I don´t want to get into now, so I won´t. Maybe tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to talk about it in the past and laugh about my stupidity. As usual, I can´t quite put into words all that I feel and all that has been happening in my life. Honestly I don´t know why I even try sometimes.
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